Family

When someone in your family is having surgery and you can’t be there, it’s a comfort that technology enables you to be closer.

My mom had back surgery today. Thanks to SMS I got updates from my sister all day long. I was also able to send funny messages to entertain my poor sister.

She must have been bored out of her mind. But we had a connection. That was so comforting to me. It was just much more convienent than a phone. I am working and need to continue doing that and a phone call takes all of your attention.

SMS just delivered the messages-like sending comfort vibes through the air.

‘It went well…..’

‘I’m just hanging out here waiting….’.

Whew. Even though I will be going home soon to help, I could not be there today. And thanks to my two awesome sisters, my mom is in great hands.

These devices just keep bringing us closer to each other. And the reasons - the stories - about why that is important are what makes it such an amazing time to be alive. It’s a smaller world than ever before.

I’ve been thinking about how my grandmother influenced my life since we buried her a little less than two weeks ago. Saying goodbye to someone is hard. When that someone is 84 and has lived a long and fruitful life it’s less hard, but it’s still hard in unexpected ways. It’s also beautiful and important.

The first thing that struck me was her legacy. I was struck when I read her obituary. “…survived by 17 grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren….” That line struck me pretty hard. What a legacy. I was the first of those 17 grandchildren and I had the privilege of having grandma all to myself for a very short time. Almost all of my cousins were at the funeral. We were only missing one who could not come because he’s in the Navy. It was truly amazing to look around and see my past and my family and all that she had been instrumental in creating.

Ceremony and ritual also struck me. There is much ceremony when Catholics say goodbye. My grandmother was Catholic and so is my entire family on my mother’s side. I don’t happen to be anymore, but I grew up with all of it and at a time like this, I really appreciated the ritual. There was ritual in each of the events, the wake, funeral and burial.

On the first day we had the wake. We all gathered and spent time together remembering.

The simple act of talking with all of my family and remembering was another beautiful component to saying goodbye.

We all brought the things she made us to remember her. One thing my grandma spent time on was making afghans. She made all kinds of them that still keep most of her family warm to this day. She really loved to add colors. The picture below only depicts about half of the family afghans there are many many more spread throughout the land.

My aunts gathered up her kerchiefs and passed around a box of them for all the grandchildren to have a remembrance of her.

At the funeral we all participated in secret Catholic rituals that I won’t go into here, but there was a comfort in the familiarity of the process.

At the burial, it was the coldest, windiest, greyest day. It was there that we left her with my grandpa and said a final goodbye.

Then there was coffee at the church.

And a rose from her final bouquet.

And it was all these events in addition to my Grandmother’s entire life that helped me understand with clarity 2 things I had never quite gotten.

1) The place I came from gave me strength that I have rarely recognized with this much understanding.

2) Something that seemed unlike me has been a very important force in giving me strength to be myself in full force.

I thank my Grandma for all the gifts she has given me, the ones I knew about and the hidden ones I am still discovering. There is no way to predict how anything will end. Until it’s over. But if you can recognize amazing discoveries along the way, you can influence all of it.

My grandma passed away this evening.

Here is a picture of her in November 2004.

And a picture of her with the grand kids (and some of their kids) on that same day. It was my sister’s wedding day.

This picture is of me with my mother, grandma and great grandma. Four generations. It’s cute because she had her eyes closed. That happened to my grandma in many pictures. It reminds me of when I was little and spent time with her. I always had to wake her when we watched tv together in the evening as she would fall asleep in her rocking chair. “Grandma, wake up, the show is getting good,” I would call out. And she would open her eyes and tell me, “don’t worry, I’m awake, I didn’t miss a thing.”

And I can see why.

Guitar Hero

I’ve been wanting to try this game out for awhile. I went home for the weekend to spend time with my family and it turns out they had the game and have been having a wonderful time. We spent a good part of Saturday afternoon taking turns playing together and watching each other. It may seem silly to the outsider, but you really have to give it a try. We liked it so much that we picked up our own game for the Wii.

Here’s a picture of my ‘Rockstar’ sisters.

I had plans this weekend. I was going to see my nephew, the one I’d never met. I was also going to celebrate his brother’s birthday. But my doggie got sick and I had to stay home. He’s actually a little more than sick, the x-ray from the vet yesterday told us that he might have an obstruction in his system because his stomach was full of food. It really sucks when you have to pick one family over another.

When I told my mom about this story, she told me about the time she and my dad had watched a dog over the weekend for a friend. That dog had an obstruction and died while the owner was out of town. My mom said she understood and that sometimes life gets in the way of our plans and that we did need to stay home and take care of our pet.

So at least when you have to make that choice, a good family understands.

I’ve always made a point to celebrate my birthday. In fact, as I was discussing this with some colleagues that have founded their own company, they are considering instituting some kind of mandatory day off for your birthday at their outfit. That would be the kind of benefit that would definitely get me interested in a company.

As it turns out though, my mom spoiled me rotten. She made our birthdays out to be such huge awesome events that nobody could ever make me feel quite that special in my future life. We didn’t have much money at all when I was growing up, so I think that’s why I (and my sisters too on their birthdays) got even more attention. Big elaborate plans were made, special themed cakes were prepared, my favorite food was always present, I was always consulted regarding the party planning, and somehow I always seemed to get some amazing gift I wanted that my parents probably should not have been spending their money on.

So then I grew up. As the years went on my poor husband, without any real knowledge of the history of my birthdays at home, ended up gettting this pressure put upon him. I didn’t realize I was doing it and this year it all kind of came to a disturbing and unpleasant head. It was an oddly rough year. I think it had to do with the fact that I’m getting old and because it was a Tuesday, but for some reason, I just could not be satisfied with anything yesterday. My poor husband tried to make me happy all day and nothing seemed or felt right. I was of course very verbal about this and made his life pretty rough all day long.

Luckily, my husband is patient and kind. After I finally stopped being such a brat (mind you almost the entire day went this way-except for VERY brief moments), we sat and we talked about what my major malfunction was and I now know, more than ever, that communication is vital to good marriages. You have to push through the ickiness and the bad behavior. You have to be patient and kind (like my awesome husband) and if you can manage this, you’ll get to the core issues of what is bothering you so much faster.

In the end, the birthday turned out wonderful. I got an awesome gift from my awesome husband and we saw one of the best movies ever at the $1 theater. I think the best gift of all though, a gift you can’t go out and buy, was how my husband spent the end of the day with me, talking, caring, listening, and helping. He forgave that bad behavior and helped me understand where it came from. I’m a lucky, lucky girl.

I just returned from a trip to New Mexico (aka Land of Enchantment) to visit my ‘crazy’ ‘artist’ uncle. It was wonderful to see him. I’ve spent time with him over the years. This trip was all about spending quality time together. He’s taught me many things over the years. One of the biggest things he’s taught me is my history. Meeting him for the first time in his own home on his own turf as an adult was such a huge AHA moment for me. I never understood where I got so many traits until I met him. My dad had many of these traits too, but it was easier to see what biology had contributed to my demeanor when I understood him as a person.

He’s an amazing artist. I was able to photography two of his shows in the past several years and those photos are in my gallery. The Life Is Good show and the Hang Me Downs show both displayed at the now defunct Gallery 211 in Gallup, NM. He views it as his job and he produces work. I got to see the latest body of work entitled ‘33 1/3′ this visit. I’ve got some amazing pictures too that I’m going to post soon.

It’s a beautiful place, but it’s also a hard place. There is extreme poverty there. It’s so frustrating too. Much of it comes from a basic lack of care for the humans. People don’t have a reason to go on, so of course, they become desperate. Wouldn’t you be desperate if you had no job, no possibility of a job, no education, no tools to make your life better? I know that I would be desperate in that situation. So instead of being humane, it’s a drug war, an immigration war and real war. Then the legislators talk about things like gay marriage and flag burning! Seriously…..(ooops, didn’t mean to digress into politics, but when you see things like this and this it makes you really start to put together the pieces…….

Beauty and extreme poverty living side by side. The desert and the sky creating the landscapes that seem like they’d only exist in a dream. Nuevo Mexico!

I have several friends and family that really have a tough time right around the end of December. Sure, there is lots of fun and celebration. Many religions have very momentous events to commemorate.

However, the Capitalism wake takes a heavy toll on all of us. It is the type of economy we live in so I accept it as my reality. I buy presents at this time of year because I know my country is depending on me to spend my money on all kinds of stuff neither myself or any of my loved one’s really needs. Sometimes there are pleasant surprises, but that’s a whole set of expectations to meet. You don’t want to disappoint anyone. You don’t want sadness cause by you. Everybody must be happy and buy stuff. NOW. AND LOTS OF IT.

And on December 31st, the ultimate secular holiday, New Year’s Eve. It always seems like there is so much messaging out there that makes you think you need to spend that last night of the previous year having the best time you ever had. I mean come on, that’s a lot of pressure. How can that be fun.

There are massive myth telling activities happening too. I have a friend who questions this ‘myth’ of Santa and doesn’t really want to tell her son this odd little fib. She wants to let him know that mommy and daddy love him and not that some person he’ll never see is watching him to see if he’s naughty or nice and judging him. When you put it that way, can you really argue with her? I don’t think so.

So it’s stressful and full of expectations and false hopes. I think that might be why some of the people I know get bummed out.

I’m not trying to devalue any joy that is derived from this time of year for any of my dear readers. I wish everyone the best, this time of year and well, all times of year.

Any joy that can be derived from activity that does not harm others can’t be all bad.

So if you are feeling bummed out right now, focus on a little joy and let the rest go…….

I don’t think everyone feels this way, but this time of year is kind of hard on people. There are expectations, false hopes, obligations, myths, and endless activities that may not mean much in the end. It seems to heighten every year. It’s important to some religions and it’s very important to capitolism that this time of year is very very jolly.

I think it’s stressful too. We make ourselves crazy over the smallest details. We imbue significant meaning into activity that might be time better spent just being quiet with people you love.

So this time of year, ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing. Think about your actions and really think about the people around you. We should be thinking about these people all the time, not just this time of year, because we are supposed to. I’m not trying to lecture anyone, just questioning the status quo. It’s always good to think about your actions and because of how busy this time of year gets, you might forget to take a breath or two, relax, enjoy and approach your acts of kindness and generosity with mindfulness. If you are mindful you might be able to save just a little ‘comfort and joy’ for yourself.

Eight years ago today one of the most tragic things that can happen in your life happened to my family and me. My father lost his life in a terrible car accident. Every year on this day I am reminded of him. Of course I think of him at other times too. It’s the anniversary that always hits me though.

It’s something we all have to face at some point in our life, the death of a parent. I was young when my dad died. However, I’m the eldest of two younger sisters and they had him for even less time. He never got to meet my sister’s two beautiful baby boys Ethan and Jackson, but somehow I know he’s with them just as he’s with me and my sisters and our mom too.

I feel that it’s important to honor him on this day. I try to take some time out each year to think about how his influence in my life made me who I am and all the gifts that he gave me. He taught me so much. I remember specific things like the fact that he was always using big words around me and telling me I needed to have a good vocabulary because it would make me smarter and better able to communicate in the world. I remember how much I am like him and how much of him is carried on in the world because I’m still here and remembering.

I’m sad because of all the things he’s missed in the time since he’s been gone. He would’ve have loved this internet thing. My sister was living at home right before the accident and she had just gotten a new Mac. My husband, my sister and I were showing him how you could take digital video and make your own movies just a day before he died. He teased my sister about the fact that he was going to be spending lots of time bogarting her computer. He was so smart and it really would’ve been a world he would have relished exploring.

June 30th, 1997 is one of those days in time that I will never forget. It is etched in my memory. I remember all the things that happened that day. I remember what I was doing. I remember talking to my mom on the phone about the great weekend we had visiting. We were all together, my sisters, my husband, my brother-in-law and my parents. We went out that Saturday night to celebrate my sister’s first wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful dinner and laughed heartily about the fact that my dad, my brother-in-law, and my husband had all recently caught the same interesting documentary on the History channel. He liked that kind of programming. Apparently my sister and I had found mates with similar taste, it was a good chuckle. Later that night we all went to a coffee shop and played board games. Usually we fought when we played games. It was different that night. We teased each other, but nobody really got upset or competitive, we just went with the flow. My dad had his first mocha and remarked how much he liked it. We really enjoyed each other and being together. I think this is where my philosophy of ‘everything happens for a reason’ embedded itself in my life. We needed to be together and we needed to enjoy that time because that was the last time we were ever together that way. He died two days later.

And I distinctly remember the phone call. My mom’s good friend left us a message. We never actually answer the phone and I don’t think we even had caller ID at that time. She didn’t say what happened, but I knew I had to call her back right away. She told me that dad was in an accident. All I could think about was getting to my mom. My husband and I pulled everything together as quickly as possible, dropped keys off at our friends house and headed back the way we had just come the day before.

When I got to my parents house I found out that the state patrol had come to the door that day to tell mom. Fortunately my sister was with my mom and the authorities informed them of what happened. I am so grateful to my sister for being there. They found out together and they had each other at that horrible moment. It was our worst nightmare and it had come true.

The following hours, days, weeks and months were a blur. It was the first death in my life. I had no idea what to expect and honestly the grieving process still surprises me. You don’t get over it.

And this anniversary I am away from home. I am away from my family, my husband, my doggies and everything that makes me feel safe. In fact, I’m not even in the country. I wasn’t sure how this would go and I don’t think I ever want to be away again on this day. However, life goes on and we have to live it. My dad would be really proud of me. I’m doing my work and contributing to my profession in my small way by sharing knowledge that I have learned. This day is always going to be hard no matter what the circumstances. I was lucky to have him as long as I did. I’m grateful and I’ll spend the day with memories of him and I won’t be alone anymore.

As this is my first year of blogging and this is the first June 30th, I document these thoughts in his honor. Life is precious and it is important to treasure the quiet seemingly simple and mundane moments. (like playing board games with your family and drinking mochas)

One last lesson he imparted on me that I want to share with you. He always said, ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, take that away as a thought for the day and give your parents a hug too.